Making Plans

The Silent Strider took a long look at his pack.
He had just finished eating his meal and was preparing to take a shift watching over them for the night.

A lot had happened in their travels. This caern has a lot riding on it.

"...Seems like everything we do has a lot counting on it."

He pauses for a moment as the words resonate more than he intended.

The philodox taps the seemingly fed and content Galliard on the shoulder and gestures for him to follow away from the campfire. "I gotta talk to you about something."

He starts walking, "When we headed out this way looking for Ebony I had no idea she had given birth."

The Apache stops and looks to his packmate, "Kinda caught me by surprise. Then again, a lot has lately."

He resumed his stride, "I know you must have a lot on your mind. The people who have been cast aside by the tribes are not a topic or thought for the faint of heart..."

Zas takes a deep breath, "...but I feel like there may be something here. This caern has a lot of potential and there might be a way to address a few things at the same time."

He stops walking and turns to face his packmate, his expression was hard to read but as he speaks it becomes clearer that he is concerned. "While I want to discuss that with you, I feel like there's something else that needs to be aired out first. I don't know what it is...I can't put my finger on it."

The philodox runs his hand through his hair, "All I know for certain is that ever since we headed out this way, it just seems like you are on edge, almost like I have done something to you...or hurt you somehow and you haven't forgiven it. I am not saying this trip has been easy, but something feels off between us. A bitterness. Do you sense it? Do you know what it is?"

Eaton avoided looking toward Zas at first, his expression clouded. He bite his tongue as he  remembered how  he had reacted when they found the remains of the unfortunate family, and after the militia had departed. He gave an uneasy wince,  “Gosh, I didn’t mean to make ya upset. And maybe I have been a little on edge.”

“Seein’ Innocent folks suffer or cruelty to those who don’t deserve it gets a rise in me. It always has. Before my change  I used to pick fights I couldn’t always win just cause someone insulted my ma or treated someone else unfairly.   Heck My first change came tryin to stop a slaver from beaten a man to death. I supposed I haven’t matured as much as I thought I have when it comes to keeping myself in line. I shouldn’t forget that you don’t deserve that treatment. I’m sorry.”

With a timid smile he adds, “Soooo ... what’d ya  want to tell me?”

The Philodox squinted his eyes, clearly not ready to move on, "We have been together long enough that I have been able to see every one in this pack grow, and develop a tighter reign on their Gaia given fury, you included. We have also grown closer as a pack."

Zas crosses his arms. "I am not mad with you. You and I have certainly had our differences along the way, but at the end of the day we were able to resolve any quarrel between us."

He looks him square in the eyes, "I know you carry a heart for the innocent. It is what I have come to admire about you..."

The apache shakes his head and grits his teeth, "...But whatever has been going on lately is different."

The Silent Strider looks at Leper Friend with a piercing gaze, "It is precisely because we have grown closer and gotten to know one another that I can tell that something has changed, and I don't like this feeling."

His eyes soften and sadden, "You know you can trust me with anything. I have already lost one brother and friend who tried to handle things on his own...I am not willing to let another one go. We have been through too much."

Eaton couldn't help but remember the previous occasion when Zas expressed concern over his behavior. And like before, the Galliard thought the whole matter was unwarranted. Eaton prepared his reply in his head,  

Why do ya keep lookin' for problems that aren't there? He wanted to ask,  Are ya gonna lay off me, or do I have to pound in your face again?

He blinked as Zas finished his sentence, dismissing his previous thought. "If you've noticed surely the others got to, too. I guess I might have been a bit on edge ever since we lost Mocks."

His expression turned solemn as he continued, "We know other packs lost Garou and we're constantly fightin' crazy things I shoulda been more prepared knowin' it was fully possible I'd perform one of ya'lls rights."

His shoulders slumped,  "I'm  supposed to inspire ya'll and I thought if I was feelin' down that'd make everyone even worse. But holdin' it in clearly ain't helpin' either."

He looked at Zas, "God, and that was months ago. Is it bad I'm still not over what happened?"

The now somewhat somber Philodox slowly nods his head.
"When we first set out as a pack, if you recall, I tried bottling up my feelings so as to remain as impartial as possible. It took talking with and coming to rely on my pack to have me realize that closing myself off was not being truthful with myself or with anyone else."

Zas closes his eyes and clears his mind with a long breath before continuing, "You have done all you can for Mocks. All of us have mourned his absence. Dwelling on his choice will not change it." His words were cold, but not harsh.

He opens his eyes, his intense stare returned once more upon the Bone Gnawer, "Your grief is understood and acknowledged. Your lashing out at myself however is not. I still feel there is something else you aren't telling me though. Why do you hide it?"

Eaton's eyes twitched slightly as he just barely prevented a low growl from emanating within his throat. Realizing he wouldn't be able to maintain his somber pose-convincingly- any longer, he straitened up and replied,

"Fine. If yer really gonna press me so you can sleep at night, I confess: I have been hiding somethin' from everyone."

His looked around, even checking the sky before he said,

"But you gotta promise to keep it a secret unless you wanna see just how viscous I can get."

The Apache arches his head to the side, seemingly to reevaluate the man before him.

"I've not broken any oath about things we hold in confidence, that I am aware of..."

He considers his words for a moment before speaking. "I see no reason to change that now, save one thing which scarce needs spoken and that is this: Your secret is safe with me unless it actively endangers this pack, hurts Gaia, or violates our law. All this you know. If I feel the need to share your words for one of those reasons-I will tell you first."

Leaning in close, and speaking in soft words barely loud enough for Eaton to hear, he adds "but...I will only say this once. Do not ever threaten me again."

The philodox backs off and says with a nod, "If you can agree to this, please...proceed."

At first, Eaton's features showed relief, but as the Philodox finished speaking, he burst out in an exaggerated laugh,

"Considerin' your the one interpreting what's dangerous or what violates what,
I ain't agreein' to any of that. You can decide Hurtin' Zoe's feelin's would count as, 'endangerin' the pack' to justify yourself blabin' to whoever ya want. How bout this:"

He crossed his arms, advancing one step closer,  

"If ya got a problem with what I'm gonna say you deal with it -with me- here and now."

He reached into his pocket, gesturing Zas to lean closer . . .

The philodox considered the Galliards words carefully. "Well since you clearly don't respect my judgment or discretion, I will agree to this: if your secret is indeed damning, I will punish you here and now letting you pick the punishment, after I explain why and give you a chance to defend yourself. If we cannot agree, then we let the pack decide. Otherwise-my lips are sealed. That is the most I can concede without knowing more."

After a few minutes more of the back and forth, seeing that the philodox would bend no further the two settled on an agreed upon arrangement. At the galliards consent, Zas leaned close to hear the whispered secret.

Having heard the words, the Silent Strider turned away from his packmate for a moment as he considered all the possible ramifications and consequences, and then turned back to face him.

"Is there anything else?"

Hearing nothing further, the philodox rolled his shoulder until it popped and then continued seemingly unfazed. "Alright then."

"Well...-the other matter I had in mind  to discuss was Father McLeod and those at the Rats nest."

After imparting his secret, Eaton was glad to see that the Philodox was placated. A wave of relief seemed to wash over the Galliard after Zas mentioned another topic for the discussion. The tension in the air evaporated as Eaton asked, "Hm, what did ya have in mind? Somethin' that restores their faith in us, I hope."

Zas nods his head in reply, "Well something along those lines would help, but it I haven't exactly figured out how to make it happen..."

Its clear he is still working out the details, lost in his thoughts, as he continues muttering incoherently for a few moments before clearing his throat.

"Regardless of that-my idea was to give the Rat's nest this new caern. We might be able to mend some bridges, and I feel like Father McCloud would not mind us technically owning the land and using the caern as needed...more so than the Red Talons would at any rate."

He shakes his head, "If we could get them out there, they would have the manpower to hold the caern, enough to possibly rotate Garou in and out to prevent any from slipping up and falling to the wyrm. They also would have space to grow their families without the Red Talons nipping at their heels."

Zas rubs his chin, "...And if you have any luck with the garou and kin that the Uktena have turned away, they may have even more potential allies to help, relatively close-by."

"Out of everyone we know, they are also the most likely to be able to survive out there in that scrub and brush, and due to recent experience the most prepared to face any vampires that might slip out."

The Silent Strider turns to face his packmate. "Talons of Rine's pack is a temporary solution at best. Protecting the Uktena kinfolk and also guarding that caern with just one pack just isn't feasible or sustainable..."

He gives an inquisitive look, "What do you think?"

When Zas finished speaking, Eaton gave a look of amused bewilderment.

"I was thinkin' something similar."

He thought about his reply for only a second, letting out a quick huff.  

"I do want to help those poor folks, and I think helpin' 'em in this case is gonna be showin'- at least with the Garou among 'em- what their purpose is, not donin' whatever Illiana thought made 'em so revolting."

"It's a bit optimistic even for me, but I was hopin' that they could help Rat's Nest itself while we take the more experienced Garou to aid us with this new caern.

His tone turned more uncertain as he said,  "There's still alot up in the air to make this plan work- what if we can't get those half . . . er, folks like me to join up with Rat, and the Bone Gnawers need to have nothin' else on their plate so they're free to help us. What if MacLeod ain't willin' to work with me again?"

His gaze turned toward the ground, "I still ain't sure what to say to them to make what I did right. But I thought doin' somethin'- like growin' rat's nest- he would at least . . . loathe me a little less."

He looked up at Zas, "I think your plan is great, but I still have reservations askin' the Gnawers for favors without doin' them somethin' in return."

The philodox looks out to the west and sighs, "It is not a favor to guard and protect a caern. It is our calling. Though, in this case, I understand why there may be some reservation."

Turning towards the Bone Gnawer, "I do not think they loathe you though. When we last spoke to them-... their pain, hurt, and grief was all too fresh. Time has passed since then and though the wounds might be sore they are likely not still bleeding. Besides, we have had our own share of loss. Maybe there is a bit of common ground that can be found there?"

"I do not believe that there is anything that can be said to 'make things right', however actions hold more weight than words ever could. Finding a home, a true caern for those that helped you, and moving the kinfolk out of harms way and giving them room to thrive, which would help save more lives...seems like a good step in the right direction. At the very least, it would seem as though a lesson was learned." The Apache turns and looks towards the east as he again starts walking the perimeter of the camp.

He lifts his head to sniff the breeze as it whistles by as he spoke, "Even if you are not a favored son, I believe that Father MacLeod in his wisdom as an elder, could see the benefit and merit in hearing this plan out."

Just as it seemed Eaton was about to give a smile, he instead winced before he replied,  "It isn't just what we did that's givin' me pause: There's also kinda the fact that we went and lifted his curse without any sorta heads up. 'Specially if he finds out the one who undid it thought that Mccload had no place castin' that judgement in the first place, not cause we proved we did learn the lesson."

He scratched at his chin, "Unless we simply avoid shiftin' into our wolf selves in front of 'im. Unless there was subtler parts of that punishment I didn't notice."

His gaze then drew ever so distant, "I didn't realize I haven't been in contact with them ever since we ran out of there. And the weird part is . . . I don't feel bad about it."

Zas brow furrowed momentarily, "We did not seek out someone to remove the punishment, but it might look like it. We admitted our wrongdoing not only before one tribe, but two. Robert chose to lift the punishment out of a sense of pride. That is on him. However, Rawest Wind-the king of the garou nation was also made aware of our deeds. Though the punishment may have been lifted, we have not withheld our deed from any elder we have come across-even when doing so would have been in our favor. That means something too."

He looks at the ground for a long while at the galliards latter comment and says, "You seem fairly certain that you were meant to be Uktena, and though Rat has found you worthy, you seem to think perhaps you should be different. Do you wish to be adopted by Uktena? Or perhaps renounce your tribe to become Uktena?"

Looking back to Eaton, it is clear Zas is serious though his eyes betray a mix of emotions.

Eaton inhaled and exhaled through his nostrils slowly,  "Some time ago, I might not have had an answer. Now I do, and it's yes, I do want to find my maternal family and if it means renouncin' Rat to be with them, then so be it." His voice was harsher than what he probably intended.

"Maybe that's what's given' me the greatest hesitation callin' upon the swarm- it ain't just what I've done, it's them findin' out what I plan to do."  

He gauged Zas's expression for a moment before he narrowed his eyes, "Answer truthfully: Would you want to be with the Bone Gnawers knowin' full well you were supposed to be of Owl?"

The philodox opened his mouth to answer but slowly closed it bringing his finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. His features growing more unreadable.

He stopped walking as he considered the question and only started to move again when he felt he had reached an answer.
"I could give you the standard answer of trusting in Gaia's will...but I'm not certain I know what that looks like, if I'm being totally honest."

The slender man gave a shrug, "I think that my heart would be pulling me one way and my head another."

He rubbed his chin, "If I felt that I was supposed to be someone else...then no, I would not wish to stay where I was. It would be dishonest for me to not be truthful with myself or those around me."

The apache's face scrunched up, "...but part of me...part of me would not want to make the sacrifices I would have to make. I would not want to give up some of the bonds of kinship I had... let alone the renown loss I would suffer. Sure, I could tell myself that I would make new relationships, and that eventually I could..maybe regain my status."

He sighs, "At the end of the day I think my decision to follow through on it or not...would really come down to finding a way to justify it to myself and also making certain my motives were pure and as unselfish as possible--in order that my service to Gaia could be better fulfilled."

The philodox looked at his packmate, "It is not a decision I could reach quickly, so I understand your reservations. I mean...in your case, I would try testing out what I could and really defining the distinction between what makes a follower of Rat different from a follower of Uktena. Maybe-there's a way to make the best of both. A common ground. Is it possible to still follow Rat but think like Uktena, or maybe become an Uktena in everything but name only...seems like that would be the bone gnawer way-to use what you have to give you the best chance to survive and fight another day."

Zas thumbs to himself, "Ever since I met Chief Bowel, I have questioned if being Uktena was all that different from being a Silent Strider. Jury is still out on that...but I can say this; using the blessings of both Owl and Uktena has helped us a lot and I wouldn't trade either for the world."

He adds, "...Ebony and Pretty Eagle aside, of course."

The Apache shakes his head with a smile, "But this is the truth. If the rest of your current tribe cannot accept you making your own choice, you are likely better off going your own way. We got your back regardless.

I am curious though, since you have been considering this for a bit-have you reached any conclusions on what it means to be Uktena vs. a Bone Gnawer?"

Eaton listened intently during Zas' explanation, mulling a moment before he said,
"Like our plan of dealin' with the caern, alot of this is still up on the air. We're gonna have to find the Uktena out here first before I have any hope of joinin' up with them. Then there's the matter of takin' me at all or wantin' me in their midst."

His tone does soften, thinking about what to say,

"Can't-be-killed told me that bein' Uktena doesn't actually have anythin' to do with blood or relation- its a lifestyle and mindset. I'm not expectin' to just stroll up and claim any sort of birthright 'cause that ain't how they work. I would have to prove in someway that I am worthy to be called Uktena."

He smiled,

"Course, citin' familial ties can't hurt can it? Though about leavnin' where I am now . . . The thing is- I don't think it's that much of a sacrifice. If I'm already on uneasy ground, it shouldn't be that hard severin' any sort of ties I need to. If I've gone the last several months without needin' to write, how many more is it gonna take before I start feelin' grief? I hardly think they were plannin' a surprise party in my absence."

He shrugged and crossed his arms, "Not sure about tryin' to still be a Bone Gnawer and Uktena at the same time. Sounds like it would just be limitin' myself. I'm not sure why those of the Horned Serpant would trust someone only halfway in the door."

"When I spoke of sacrifice-that was something of my own I would need to deal with. You seem to have already accepted that you are ready to make the change. You sound like you almost view yourself as a hindrance to your current tribe...I am not certain they see you in that light, but who knows."

The lean Garou turned to look around at his other packmates. He then gives Eaton a knowing look, "Your mindset and life choices seem to be changing. You are choosing to withhold information from your pack. You may be closer to being an Uktena than you realize."

Looking back at the pack, "When we went to the Tribal homeland, Obion, that guide we had...he told me part of being Uktena meant knowing secrets...I don't mean just knowing how to keep a secret. I think he meant it as knowing who to share what secrets with and when as well knowing how much of a secret to give away."

Zas takes a breath. "Once upon a time- I made an agreement with Mocks. I feel it may be fair to make one with you as well...as it may speed you on you journey to your hearts desire."

It is clear to Eaton that this is difficult for his packmate as Zas rate of speech has slowed and he seems to be having an internal battle over it.

"Out of respect for Mocks and our agreement, I will not say what our understanding was. However, regarding you and I..."

He takes another breath, "My job is to keep this pack safe. That remains the case. I have said that I would watch you and your visions out of concern for their possible origin. I have. Thus far-I have not seen any sign that this has come to be a threat to the pack. I trust your judgment and hope you will come to respect mine."

He looks down to the ground before turning to face Leper-Friend. "I do not wish for us to be enemies. One of my responsibilities as philodox is to seek the truth and to expose the plans of our foe. This means digging into and investigating all that crosses our path. Prying into secrets. This would seem to put you and I at odds."

Shifting his feet, "But I do not think it has to. As I said-I trust you. You have given me no sign or reason to disbelieve or doubt your devotion to Gaia. It is because of this, that I feel that if you have secrets, you will share them, when and if I need to know...for the safety of the pack."

He clears his throat, "By this same token however, if anything should come to light or be discovered that you intentionally withheld or concealed from me, that reveals you to have abandoned your calling and turned your back on Gaia-like the Nightmaster...or that places this pack in harms way-I will do everything within my power to see you ripped apart. I cannot let this pack go through that dark place again."

Zas gives the galliard a small, sad smile. "I want to help you find peace. I want to help you find your home; whoever and wherever that is. I want to help you as best I can, but I also want to fulfill my service to the rest of this pack, and I intend to do so to the best of my ability."

The philodox holds out a hand to shake, "Please don't give me reason to regret giving you my trust."

Eaton stared at the Philodox's outstretched hand- there were so many options for the reply, he had to pause thinking of the proper one.

"So ya had a special pact with Mocks and that didn't seem to send ya any danger signals?" "I'd like to see ya try and tear me apart, if it ever came to that.." And if I hear anyone peep up about our secret, than I'm never trustin' you again."

He still held his tongue; even he was surprised how readily the disparaging  retorts came to his mind. Maybe there was a rift between the two of them, one that had formed only recently. That didn't mean he had to widen the fissure.

Recognizing the pauise, he smiled before he taking Zas' hand and said in his usual, informal tone, "Hey, if I'm doin' something I think would endanger the pack, you would be the first to know. That, I promise."